The Wall Between Us
by Damonficgirl
Summary: Nathan introspective set during episode 5 Season 3. A/N though it focuses on a moment between N/J


**The Wall Between Us**

**Nathan/Audrey shipper fic about of all things the end scene in Episode 5 with Jordan… it might sound like an unusual choice for a N/A ship but I think the intensity actually opened up all sorts of insights into what's going on in Nathan's head and heart. An introspective into all the tensions between Nathan, Audrey and Duke in S5. Major Spoilers for S3 up to Ep5 - don't read if you're not ready for them!**

He told himself it was necessary, that it was part of his job, that he was just doing what any undercover cop would do in his place, what any decent man would do to protect the woman he loved, but in his heart of hearts Nathan Wuornos knew he was cheating.

It was easy to make excuses, to blame Audrey for pushing him away, to point out that there were no promises between them – he didn't owe her fidelity, not in a physical sense, for all he knew she could be seeing someone. But he knew she wasn't. Not even Duke. Not even Duke who looked at her with puppy dog eyes and who made her laugh and who she had turned to more and more for support lately. Duke who was getting closer and closer, while Nathan was being pushed away from the woman they both loved.

Nathan knew, logically, that Audrey and Duke weren't messing around together, if for no other reason than that she wouldn't risk it, she wouldn't risk hurting Duke knowing that her days were numbered.

But the irrational, illogical part of his brain that got all snarly and green with jealousy every time Duke and Audrey exchanged a smile, every time she defending him, every time they even stood in the same room lately… that part of his brain imagined that he had already lost her to Duke. That Duke was the reason, not the hunter and her need to protect Nathan, to somehow cushion the blow of losing her. And when that jealousy and the blow of rejection more powerful than the punches and gunshots he couldn't feel crowded into Nathan's mind next to the longing for her, he lost all moderation, all good manners, and he became as curmudgeonly as his father had been before he exploded into pieces on the Haven's main beach.

Nathan knew that the more he lashed out at Duke the more hostile and distant Audrey became, the more he looked like the insolent little boy who couldn't share his toys, but he couldn't stop himself – since her abduction and the moment he'd picked up Duke's whistle all of the faith he'd had his childhood playmate come nemesis had shattered, because once the fear was there that Duke really would take Audrey away, one way or another, Nathan couldn't shut it down.

Maybe if she held him again like that beautiful day before she left to see Lucy, and cupped his cheeks in her hands and kissed him, maybe then he could believe her reassurances, but right now he was hurting and lonely and uncertain and scared and most of all powerless. So utterly powerless. Powerless to win her trust back. Powerless to rebuild the intimacy that had grown between them despite all odds. Powerless to stop her from being taken away by whatever mystic and devious forces operated in Haven.

When Nathan looked at Jordan and saw her powerlessness over her condition, her isolation and her craving to be able to touch and be touched, he saw himself, and when he realised that he could offer her the one thing that they both craved it didn't matter that he couldn't feel their touches and kisses, the exhilaration of knowing she could was enough. Nathan knew better than anyone how intense every touch would feel to her, because that was how he felt with Audrey, only with Audrey there was love, with Jordan there was… understanding, attraction, lust, compassion, but it wasn't love, it couldn't be love, because he was already in love with Audrey.

Nathan's love for Audrey was a beautiful love built on friendship and mutual interest and genuine affection but as that love had become tainted with rejection and fear and somehow instead of lifting him up, the way it had that day in the sun when she'd kissed him, it had become as raw as an open wound, and in that moment when he found himself kissing Jordan eagerly, passionately and willingly, he found a moment's respite from his pain and so did she.


End file.
